Girl's Night: Conner Style

"Ang, I have a proposition to make."

"Shoot."

"Saturday: you, me, the roomies, Aileen, Martinelli's, junk food, Miss America Pageant."

"Uhhh, yeah.  Let's do it!"

Okay, beauty pageants have been a Conner Women tradition since Mum had daughters old enough to enjoy critiquing, which surprisingly enough was when Alexa and I were at very young ages.  Every time a big one came up, we'd schedule a Girl's Night and reserve the living room.  There's quite a few actually: Miss Teen USA, Miss USA, Miss America, Miss Universe, and Miss World.  I think there's even a Mrs. America/USA (not sure which). We focused mainly on Miss America, Miss USA, and Miss Universe.  I've seen a couple of the others.  

Sadly, when Dad took us out to Saipan (yes, DAD; it would be a boy that took us away from our beloved Girl's Nights) the parents decided against getting television.  It's really not the worst thing in the world, but there a few things that I would really like to watch - pageants being a few of them.  So the Girl's Nights pretty much ended.  Yeah, once in a while we'd rent a movie when the guys were out or Dad was on a business trip, but that stopped too after Mum gave up her addiction to ice.  (That's a story for another time, folks.) 

I haven't seen a pageant since I've been back in the States.  For a couple of years they were doing all sorts of weird stuff to try and get their ratings back up.  One year they even did a FearFactor version, which was just totally against everything these pageants stand for. 

Pageants stand for something? you may ask.  Oh yes.  The point of all beauty pageants has been to inspire women to not only be beautiful on the outside, but also strive to achieve great things and become great women on the inside.  The stereotypical beauty has no brains, and these pageants are out to prove otherwise.  The winners and runners-up all receive considerable scholarships. 

Although this is a worthy cause, the pageants were getting a little out of hand.  They were losing ratings steadily, and it was because the style of everyday women had changed since the original airing in 1921.  (Ya think?!)  But the women were still doing the big-hair-big-make-u-dress-up-for-every-activity-even-if-it-was-a-marathon thing.  This year they passed it into the hands of TLC - a daughter channel of the Discovery Channel.  They aired the pilot of "Miss America: Reality Check" four weeks before the pageant.  The reality show put the 52 contestants into a house together and divided them into teams.  I really liked this because it brought the women closer together than ever before.  Even though they lived in the same hotel for the week of the pageant, they had always been there to compete, not to make friends.  The friendship was apparent among the ladies throughout the entire pageant, particularly when Miss Utah dropped to the ground and gave about 10 pushups after been eliminated from the top 16, and about seven other girls followed suit.  (The crowed was going wild.)  

I only saw the pilot of the reality show, but the gist of it was to revamp Miss America.  The message they wanted to send was, "Any girl can look beautiful no matter what she's doing, including real-life things."  The message they were sending was, "Any girl can look beautiful no matter what she's doing as long as it can be done in heels and hairspray."  They brought beauticians and hairdressers to teach the girls how to say "NO!" to aerosols and dangly earrings when the activity was a relay race (and yes, there were a number of girls who actually needed to be told so).  They brought on Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear (LOVE THAT SHOW! too bad I have a life) to teach the girls that their sparkly cow-girl boots were something to wear at home, not on stage.  

Another thing they did different this year was have 16 semi-finalists rather than 15.  The last one was voted on by Americans over the previous four weeks online rather than by the judges. The winner was Jill Stevens, Miss Utah.  Seriously, this girl was AMAZING! I mean, the 10 finalists were really cute and talented and smart, but NO ONE was as spunky as Miss Utah.  I am certain she won Miss Congeniality.  When she was called off I thought the crowd might rush the stage.  

Over all, I liked the new version.  I was a little disappointed that Kirsten Haglund, Miss Michigan won.  I mean, she was okay, but definitely not the best one out there.  In fact, after Miss Utah was voted off, I was all about the girl that got runner-up, but I can't think of who she is, or where she's from.  Oh well.  

Oh yeah!  I almost forgot the best part!  As they were crowning Miss Michigan, and she was freaking out and all, it was very obvious that there was bright red lipstick on her tooth and up her face quite a bit.  Angela, Jenni, and I were laughing so hard!  That would suck!  I mean, that's on camera and everything for the REST OF HER LIFE!  Hahaha!  The thing is, no one told her, not even the guy who walked right up to her face and gave her the flowers and a kiss.  No!  It wasn't until she got back from her little walk and the other ladies came up to congratulate her than one of the girls finally wiped it off for her.  Man, her face after she realized what she'd done was almost better than seeing her do it!

Ode to The Mum: Part Two

Where I come from food is a very important part of our culture. Sure, just driving through you'll find Italian and French cuisine scattered among a million fastfood restaurants. But it's the people from Maine ya gotta eat with. Some of us have seafood or "New England Style" diners and such. Others of us, like my family, just make it at home. It's a tradition passed down from mother to daughter (and sometimes to son) for who-knows-how-long! It's a skill. An art. A knowledge to be acquired from only the best. That's who I learned it from; the Best: Mum.

Mum is a picture-perfect traditional homemaker. On first sight, she's a short woman with deep-set eyes the same blue-gray color of the stormy Atlantic. Those eyes peer out from a reddish complexion, adorned by a frame of short, fine, auburn hair. The hair is so fine and smooth that Mum has never bothered with pulling it into a bun or a pony-tail 'cause it just slips right out again.

Mum knows so much about the homey stuff. She can make a room more comfortable just by knowing what to say or how the lights should be or when to turn off the fan. I love all that about her. But what I love most is her cooking. She knows everything from why we bake more in the winter to why kids prefer their sandwiches cut diagonally; from how to make the most heavenly blueberry cheesecake, to knowing that "cassia" is really cinnamon incognito.

The food she conjures up is like ambrosia. And while she cooks, the whole atmosphere is transformed from a raucous household bustling with eight crazy kids and their company, to a quiet home of anticipation as we await the call of "Kids! Come and eat!"

I often love to set the table in the evening. Just Mum and me upstairs while the kids watch a movie or play outdoors. It's the eventide that somehow, almost magically, brings the song into her voice as she cooks. I think it's the closest to bliss I can feel without it being a holiday. The air fill with the sweet aroma of Perfection and mingles with eh silvery, jazzy notes flowing out of Mum. She always sings old songs like Dream a Little Dream of Me", and "Vincent", and a collection of Beatle's songs, and hymns too. And then when I sing the snatches of them that I know (by heart now) she stares at me in disbelief and asks, "How do you know that song?!" as if I haven't been listening for the past eighteen years. The smells and songs together are so lulling that I've often fallen asleep right at the counter stool, waiting for dinner to be served.

Mum has always cooked for the family, and that is no small task. With eight kids and Dad to feed, she manages exceptionally well. But the most amazing thing to see (and taste) is Mum's Thanksgiving dinner. In the morning she lays out a big fruit-basket that we can pick at until dinner, but other than that we're banished from food. She works for two days just on pies; with my help we can turn out 12 to 15 pies. Then for two more days (including Thanksgiving) we cook up the best foods this side of, well, anywhere! And we don't just cook for the 10 members of the family either, no, we always have to invite 8 or 10 more! It's spectacular!

Mum's taught me a lot of useful and trivial things alike. Cooking is definitely one of the more useful ones and it really makes me feel blessed to have a mother that knows so much about it.

Originally written August 11, 2004 for Mr. Thornburgh's English prompt: "Think of a skill you've learned and describe the person who taught it to you." 1/2 - 1 page long. (It came to 4 pages)

Ode to The Mum: Part One

Mum. Mum, Mum, Mum. You know, some people actually think it's funny that I call my mom Mum. I don't really know why; but I've had two of my best friends laugh when I say it. Hmmmmm... What am I supposed to call her?

Mom somehow seems a little bit longer; I think it's probably because you have to shape your mouth more with an "Oh" sound than you do with a "Uh" sound. So I can't call her that... I'm too lazy.

Mother is reserved for getting her attention and thanking her. This is how a typical "Call for Mum" goes: "Mum. Mum! Mom! Momma! Mother! MariLou!! Hey! Sister Conner!" At this point she turns. Also, Mum has trained us to use Mother when thanking her for something. "Ready kids?" she'll say. We all respond simultaneously: "Thank you, Mother-Dear." It must be accompanied by "Dear" or it doesn't count. Besides, if Mom is long, Mother is never-ending!

MariLou and Sister Conner would just be ridiculous to use on a regular basis. Unless of course I am trying to call for her. But I've already gone over that. It just doesn't sound right to call the woman that raised you by her actual name. I don't know why; it just doesn't. I guess it's because she raised you. I mean, that sets you above the average crowd in her book. It would be nothing short of insulting to both Mum and her children if we called her by her name without due process.

Mum really is the perfect way to describe her in one short word. Nothing else is really needed. Nothing else is truly worthy, except maybe Mumma, to be used over and over again. (Never "Mommy".) In short: I love my Mum.

The Battle of The Black Couches (AKA: The Battle for The Innocents)

I knew exactly what was going on. Before any of the other kids. Before any of it every really happened. Of course, I have been living with my parents for 18-1/2 years, longer than anyone else in the house.

I knew what was going on as soon as Mum stood up from the dinner table and looked at Dad with that "Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'" look. It didn't take long to put two and two together.
"No!" I said as soon as Mum started moving toward Dad on the other end of the table. I pushed my chair back against the entertainment center to obstruct her passage. She laughed and Sam and Jake finally saw what was going on. They too started to shout and clamor about what was coming. "Aww, Mum!" "Come ON!!" "Not in front of the kids!"
Mum tickled me and I had no choice but to immediately remove myself from her path. She got through. Kaitlyn took immediate action and started to put herself in Mum's way, but nothing would stop her. She finally did make it to Dad's lap. The kids all responded with the unanimous groan, "Oh, gross." I fell to the floor against the entertainment center and averted the innocent eyes of my littlest sister, Eden. The boys all continued in their noise. It worked to some extent, 'cause Mum didn't stay on Dad's lap for too long. Instead she got a worse idea.
"Let's go over to the couch honey."
"Ooo, yeah!" Dad said in that really freaky voice he gets when he likes something. (For example: when taste-testing food, a suggestion of a good action flick, etc.)
"Hit the deck!" I shouted.
"Everyone down! DOWN!" Jake cautioned.
"Don't look, Ez," was Sam's concerned warning. But Ez didn't listen. He ran towards the small couch and fell on top of it.

It was then that the idea came to me. Mum and Dad weren't on the large couch yet. If we moved quickly we might have time; the maneuver was possible, if just barely. I made the command and the troops followed suit. "COVER THE COUCHES!" I ran first into battle and planted my whole body, face-down, on the large couch.

What happened next is a blur to me. All I saw was the black couch-cushion, but I felt Eden and Ezra jump on top of me, and I heard Sam and Jake coming quickly. Then Kait shouted, "Get the little couch!" directly followed by all the kids getting off of me and me jumping up to see the enemy retreating, to the depths of their lair; Dad had Mum by the hand and was leading her down the steps to their bedroom.

We had won the battle, but we intended to win the war. Jake was there first. I came in last but pushed to the front in order to examine the situation.
"I've got the knob turned. They can't lock it," was the Captain's report.
"Good job." We tried to push the door open but the effort was lost due to my Second-in-Command, Sam, openly rebelling me by saying,
"Hey! They're in their room, let's go to the computer!" Even though they all know that's never going to happen because they would get their hides skinned, they still all shouted a "Hooray!" and left me there at the door alone. I too left the enemy in there to lick their wounds. Ha! I got the troops back to camp and we cleaned up the mess the ambush had caused.


A STARTLING SURPRISE

As if all this weren't bad enough, I later came out of the bathroom and heard Jacob singing in his bedroom. This wasn't unusual; he's practicing for a play. He's the prince. I knew the camp was finished being cleared up so I went into his room, unannounced (which I will never do again) and found my Captain on one knee facing away from me towards my Second-in-Command. A CD was playing and Sam was trying to mouth the words to the part the princess sings after the prince (Jake) proposes or says something or other to her. Jake and Sam both stopped as soon as they saw me and for a moment paused in a moment of awkward silence, with only the CD playing. Suddenly Sam, Jake, Ez (who was watching from the bottom bunk) and I all started cracking up. I ordered them back to their duties and contemplated the oddities of life. Don't worry, I didn't waste too much time doing that!