Thursday, April 07, 2005

The Battle of The Black Couches (AKA: The Battle for The Innocents)

I knew exactly what was going on. Before any of the other kids. Before any of it every really happened. Of course, I have been living with my parents for 18-1/2 years, longer than anyone else in the house.

I knew what was going on as soon as Mum stood up from the dinner table and looked at Dad with that "Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'" look. It didn't take long to put two and two together.
"No!" I said as soon as Mum started moving toward Dad on the other end of the table. I pushed my chair back against the entertainment center to obstruct her passage. She laughed and Sam and Jake finally saw what was going on. They too started to shout and clamor about what was coming. "Aww, Mum!" "Come ON!!" "Not in front of the kids!"
Mum tickled me and I had no choice but to immediately remove myself from her path. She got through. Kaitlyn took immediate action and started to put herself in Mum's way, but nothing would stop her. She finally did make it to Dad's lap. The kids all responded with the unanimous groan, "Oh, gross." I fell to the floor against the entertainment center and averted the innocent eyes of my littlest sister, Eden. The boys all continued in their noise. It worked to some extent, 'cause Mum didn't stay on Dad's lap for too long. Instead she got a worse idea.
"Let's go over to the couch honey."
"Ooo, yeah!" Dad said in that really freaky voice he gets when he likes something. (For example: when taste-testing food, a suggestion of a good action flick, etc.)
"Hit the deck!" I shouted.
"Everyone down! DOWN!" Jake cautioned.
"Don't look, Ez," was Sam's concerned warning. But Ez didn't listen. He ran towards the small couch and fell on top of it.

It was then that the idea came to me. Mum and Dad weren't on the large couch yet. If we moved quickly we might have time; the maneuver was possible, if just barely. I made the command and the troops followed suit. "COVER THE COUCHES!" I ran first into battle and planted my whole body, face-down, on the large couch.

What happened next is a blur to me. All I saw was the black couch-cushion, but I felt Eden and Ezra jump on top of me, and I heard Sam and Jake coming quickly. Then Kait shouted, "Get the little couch!" directly followed by all the kids getting off of me and me jumping up to see the enemy retreating, to the depths of their lair; Dad had Mum by the hand and was leading her down the steps to their bedroom.

We had won the battle, but we intended to win the war. Jake was there first. I came in last but pushed to the front in order to examine the situation.
"I've got the knob turned. They can't lock it," was the Captain's report.
"Good job." We tried to push the door open but the effort was lost due to my Second-in-Command, Sam, openly rebelling me by saying,
"Hey! They're in their room, let's go to the computer!" Even though they all know that's never going to happen because they would get their hides skinned, they still all shouted a "Hooray!" and left me there at the door alone. I too left the enemy in there to lick their wounds. Ha! I got the troops back to camp and we cleaned up the mess the ambush had caused.


As if all this weren't bad enough, I later came out of the bathroom and heard Jacob singing in his bedroom. This wasn't unusual; he's practicing for a play. He's the prince. I knew the camp was finished being cleared up so I went into his room, unannounced (which I will never do again) and found my Captain on one knee facing away from me towards my Second-in-Command. A CD was playing and Sam was trying to mouth the words to the part the princess sings after the prince (Jake) proposes or says something or other to her. Jake and Sam both stopped as soon as they saw me and for a moment paused in a moment of awkward silence, with only the CD playing. Suddenly Sam, Jake, Ez (who was watching from the bottom bunk) and I all started cracking up. I ordered them back to their duties and contemplated the oddities of life. Don't worry, I didn't waste too much time doing that!

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